the quiet part of getting older

and the list of my closest friends keeps getting shorter

idk if it’s just me, but i feel like there’s a lot of loneliness in growing up.

Some friends fade out, others move to another country, or the paths simply split and you’re left without the people you once had - or thought you had.

It gets lonely. The birthdays, the one-sided conversations, the thousands of “i promise i’ll call you” calls that never come. Eventually, you just stop expecting. You stop expecting people to show up, to be there when you need them, to understand you like they once did. And once you’ve been disappointed enough times, you start building this armor - and suddenly no one really knows how you’re doing.
You stop sharing things with even your actual friends. You stop counting on people the way you used to.

There’s a strange beauty in that, though - in learning to live with yourself, and for yourself. When you only depend on you (and maybe your s.o.), things start to feel less urgent. You don’t feel the need to tell that friend you got promoted, or that you quit, or that your grandma is dying.

And it’s funny - with all the social media noise, I always wonder: who would I even call the day I get engaged?
I see people posting stuff like:
“the bests just got engaged!!!”
“a wedding’s on the way!!”
“let the bachelorette planning begin!!!”

And I used to dream about how it’d happen. I’d call my sisters and my closest friends, and they’d be excited and we’d plan a bachelorette in Brazil or Argentina, and go try dresses on with my small circle.
But these days? I think I’d rather keep it all a secret.
I don’t want to share something so big with people who’ve let me down so many times before.
Like, nowadays I imagine myself trying dresses on with my boyfriend and his mom.
It sounds much sadder than it is in real life hahaha, to be honest.
I just don’t think there would be a better way to live that process.

Everyone’s dealing with their own stuff. Life gets heavier as we age. It’s understandable.
But still - where’s the limit? When does “mental health comes first” stop being a free pass for being absent, inconsistent, or careless with others? Especially when they’ve received your best when you weren’t feeling your best - when you still showed up, left things behind, and gave everything you had just to help them?

I don’t have much more to say, just that the older I get, the lonelier it feels. And I know I’m not alone in feeling this way - I’ve talked about it with people around me and seen it online too. So maybe we can stop pretending we all have 25+ best friends who know everything about us.

And if you do - I’m genuinely happy for you, you’re one of the lucky ones.

It just doesn’t work like that for me anymore, not after all the disappointments I’ve collected in (almost) 28 years. Maybe that’s still young? Or maybe it’s already old? Who knows.

All I know is I’ve learned, slowly and painfully, that my kind of love and dedication isn’t for everyone.

And maybe that’s okay, too.

thanks for reading <3

cheers!