existing and feeling chronically behind

while getting older and supposedly "wiser"

i think one of the biggest “heritages” my mom passed on to me is being critical - about just everything. It’s something i’ve tried to change, and i’m in the process of it, but unconsciously my mind always goes straight to: why did they do that? why don’t they save money? if i were them, i wouldn’t do that.

it’s awful, because i’m constantly judging people who shouldn’t be judged by me. i mean, who am i to judge someone else’s choices? people on the internet. People close to me. No one asked me to be the inner critic of the world and it’s not like i earned to be a critic neither.

but the worst part - and i think this has a lot to do with my anxiety - is that i’m even more critical with myself. i’m always thinking: should i be doing this? at my age, shouldn’t i be doing that? do i even deserve to buy this? i second guess every choice i make, i don’t trust myself to make good decisions, and that makes me feel both insecure and dependent. there’s not a single day i don’t think i should be doing something better, faster, smarter. or that i’m wasting time.

and yes, maybe it’s normal to feel unsure. no one really teaches us how to do this - life, i mean. we’re all just trying to survive and pay bills and pretend like the carousel keeps spinning and we’re okay with it. (thank you, ellis grey, for the metaphor.)

my mind tricks me constantly. and my past ghosts are still in the room, fighting every choice i make.

another pic from our trip to NY.
(I’m loving using real pictures instead of illustrations)

so, because i feel behind (as everyone else does, i suppose), i haven’t felt like the best or happiest version of myself. i’m not someone who sets huge goals or expectations, but my birthday’s this week, and there’s a lot i thought i’d have figured out by now. i’m turning 28, which still gives me time, but lately, it hasn’t felt like it.

i feel stuck, frustrated, like a huge failure. and then, of course, i criticize that feeling too. i don’t know what my next step is. and every time i think of doing something new or different, my mind convinces me it’s the worst idea ever.

i see people on social media (i know, i know, classic toxic trait) doing all these amazing things: buying houses, getting married, having children. and i just feel like i can’t hit the gas to keep up. and it’s not just influencers. it’s people in real life. i think it really started when i noticed friends getting raises, earning more money, moving forward in ways i imagined for myself - and i realized i wasn’t there.

i know, deep down, that everyone has their own timeline, and that mine is valid too. but i can’t help comparing. it’s another toxic trait i carry around. i’ve always wanted to buy a chanel bag (very basic bitch dream, i know), or live in another country, but i’m not even close. And instead of pushing myself to make those things happen, i just cry. i complain. And then i feel guilty for not doing more. I know no one is going to come save me. it’s 100% up to me, but sometimes, i just don’t have the energy. i’m not the kind of person who can pretend everything’s fine and keep going.

i’m proud of who i’ve become. i know i’ve grown in so many ways. but when this feeling hits, it’s like i’m back in my old room, 15 years old, still not knowing how to be a better student.

and maybe that’s the thing - growth is quiet, slow, and not always linear. but it’s there, even when i don’t feel it. even when i forget how far i’ve come.

i guess getting older this year is really hitting me, and i’m trying to be gentler with myself. maybe this is the year that starts to change. i’m just living life, you know? and trying to survive in the meantime.

if you feel this way too, just know you’re not alone. everyone (or almost everyone) is in their head, having the same thoughts and criticisms. so let’s try to keep going. i’m trying to do that too.

thank you for reading, once more :)

Cheers!