being alone diaries: part 2

learning to be alone (and failing spectacularly)

Note: Part 1 was written on a Saturday, on my phone while reading (I didn’t have it in me to get up and grab my computer), and I forgot about it. I remembered today and fixed a few things, so that’s why there are two posts in one day — if any of my seven followers were wondering.

I think I finally get it — the appeal of being alone. Like, really alone. The kind of alone where no one else is around to factor into your decisions. You do whatever you want, eat whatever you want, without having to ask or consider anyone else. It’s freeing in a way. No “What do you feel like eating?” No back and forth of “Idk, hbu?” Just… you, making choices without negotiation.

And honestly? I’ve been enjoying it. Taytay blasting on the speakers all day — the place spotless because I clean everything immediately (not saying I live with a messy person, but, you know — cohabitation). There’s so much time to just be, to do whatever I want, whenever I want.

Exact representation of me this morning, having my coffee while listening to my Taylor Swift’s playlist.

But here’s the weird part. I barely speak. Like, sure, I talk to myself, but I don’t hear my own voice all day. And I swear, that’s unsettling. It reminds me of Steve Jobs or something (idk, just go with it) — but it’s really weird not to hear your own voice. Loneliness has a fun, romanticized phase, but after a while, it just feels… dull. Gray. I find myself scrolling more because there’s nothing else to fill the silence. And because my bf and I have deep talks about every tiny little thing, I’m used to going deep into everything with him — but not alone. Like, what’s the point of explaining that I’m craving something because the other day I dreamt about idk and it took me time to figure out why I needed to eat that exact thing? When I’m alone, I don’t do that. Because I already know. What’s the point of repeating something I already know? It doesn’t make sense to me. So the silence is actually really loud in my home — even with music on all day.

When I’m with my bf, even a basic lunch turns into an existential debate. But here? Everything is just there. Static. I read to distract myself, but then again, what’s the point of a distraction if there’s no one to talk to about it? I think that’s also why I’ve been keeping something on all day — just to shut my mind up for a bit. Because my brain keeps narrating every single thing I do, and honestly? Annoying.

It’s crazy, though. I cannot, for the life of me, imagine enjoying this long-term. Today, yes. Maybe tomorrow, too. But give me a few days, and I’ll be on the verge of a breakdown. In a way, this distance has been good — it’s made me realize how much I miss him (we spend an average of 19 out of 24 hours together, btw). Lately, I’ve spent so much time with him, yet not really with him (because we’re always around others) — that now all I want is that closeness back.

So yeah. Just me being overly reflective because, while I get the appeal of being alone, I also know myself — I will 100% break at some point. That’s why I’m thinking about petsitting his mom’s dog, just so I don’t die of boredom. At least I’ll have Pepa to talk to.

The weirdest part for me is that I went out for a walk, and I wanted to walk alone. That part, I actually do miss. I’m used to moving — whether it’s commuting to uni or work, driving or walking — but I have that alone time, with my music blasting, actually enjoying the solitude. But walking alone is different from being home alone all day. Today felt endless. I swear all I did was eat, and now I feel so bloated, even though I ate like a normal person. And it’s Monday. While I’m writing this. Seven more days of this.

Anyway. Thinking out loud. Kind of. Because I miss talking — but especially to someone. I’m not an introverted person apparently! It doesn’t matter I’m trying to convince myself I’m an introvert, today I know I’m not!!!! Love the idgaf to what to eat, but I need to hear something, talk about my food, I hate this dependence!! What is wrong with me??!!

Well. This was a lot. Excuse me I’m trying to have a deep conversation with myself but because I’m tired of hearing my brain rot and die, I’m just writing to the people who read me — because why not??? I have free will, apparently.

Let the loneliness continue…

Cheers!